Blurbs Gone Wrong: Harry and the Hendersons

 

Click here for an explanation of what this post is all about.

Netflix's original blurb:
Returning home from vacation, the Hendersons – George (John Lithgow), Nancy (Melinda Dillon), daughter Sarah (Margaret Langrick) and son Ernie (Joshua Rudoy) – accidentally run over a strange Bigfoot-type animal (Kevin Peter Hall). They decide to take the friendly “Harry” home and adopt him as a pet. But soon, they’re scrambling to hide their new friend from authorities and Bigfoot hunters. This charming family film won a Best Makeup Oscar.

Analysis:
The first sentence is factually accurate; although, I question the inclusion of all the character and actor names. Do we really need to know the names of any character and actor other than John Lithgow? The next sentence is factually wrong; George brings the creature back to sell what he thinks is a corpse to the highest bidder. Once the family does start to warm up to a living, breathing Bigfoot, there is a clear message throughout the remainder of the movie: Harry is not a pet. They even say so a couple times. The rest of the blurb is accurate, but again, I question the necessity for including the line about the makeup Oscar. I left it in the rewritten blurb, anyway. Hey, it's an Oscar.

New blurb:
Returning from a vacation in the woods of the Pacific Northwest, George Henderson (John Lithgow) accidentally runs over a Bigfoot with the family car. Despite his family's protests, George brings the dead beast home, only to discover that the creature is not dead, nor is it a witless animal. Hilarity ensues in this charming family film, which won an Oscar for Best Makeup.

Blurbs Gone Wrong: The Book of Eli

Click here for an explanation of what this post is all about.

Netflix's original blurb:
Determined to salvage a sacred text in order to protect humanity, Eli (Denzel Washington) goes on a quest across the country in this action-packed sci-fi adventure. Meanwhile, a blind woman named Claudia (Jennifer Beals) tries to protect her daughter, Solara (Mila Kunis). It seems that tyrannical town bully Carnegie (Gary Oldman) has taken a shine to the girl. Directed by the Hughes brothers, the film co-stars Ray Stevenson.

Analysis:
This little gem was one of the reasons I started rewriting Netflix movie descriptions in the first place. It is wrong in so many ways. First, Eli is more guarding the book than he is "salvaging" it. Second, I don't remember the movie saying he was on a quest to anywhere in particular. Third, as regards his "quest," well, his quest was to wander around and protect the book. He's a Wanderer of the Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland -- that's what he does. The basic conflict of the film is that the villain is trying to get Eli's book, which Eli defends like the wanderer stud he is.

The line about the blind woman is essentially accurate. However, my fourth major gripe is that the "town bully," as he is described, has no, I repeat no, interest in Mila Kunis' character, other than as bait to lure our Wander of the Waste. And to refer to him as a mere "town bully" slights Oldman, I think, whose stock in trade is playing psychopathic lunatics. This is, of course, Oldman's role in this movie.

The Hughes brothers should be included in the description, but frankly, I had to look up who Ray Stevenson even was. He was a somewhat minor character who probably shouldn't have made it to the description in the first place. Sorry, Ray, I'm just sayin' ...

My last piece of criticism is that to refer to it as a "sacred text" pretty much eliminates whatever doubt exists about what the book is. I know the movie is called "The Book of Eli," but there's no reason to kill every last bit of mystery about what the text is, which the movie actually tries to disguise for some time. SPOILER ALERT ... It's the Bible. Duh.

New blurb:
Determined to protect an ancient text, post-apocalyptic wanderer, Eli (Denzel Washington), does battle with tyrannical town boss, Carnegie (Gary Oldman), who needs the book for his own nefarious purposes. Carnegie's blind mistress (Jennifer Beals) and her beautiful daughter (Mila Kunis) are pulled into the fray, in this sci-fi adventure directed by the Hughes brothers.

Blurbs Gone Wrong

I am a big fan of Netflix.

My wife harangued me for almost two years to drop the movie channels we were paying for on DirecTV in favor of a Netflix account. I resisted, I demurred. I rationalized that getting movies in the mail would be too much of a hassle. I convinced myself that watching year-old "new releases" on HBO or Stars was worth being able to see the new season of "The Tudors." I think subconsciously I rationalized that dropping $30-40 a month on movie channels somehow gave me more than I could possibly get for $10-15 a month. Whatever the reason, I was wrong to have waited so long, and just so my wife can revel in a rare moment of capitulation, let me say it again: I was wrong, sweetie. Now you can die happy.

When my family wanted to watch actual new movies, I'd hop in the truck and head over to Blockbuster to rent a stack of new releases for $30-40 a pop. Then we would struggle to watch them all within five to seven days. Often, we'd end up skipping one or two (the cinematic equivalent of having eyes bigger than our stomachs), and then I'd rush back at almost midnight on the day the movies were due.

Very stressful. Isn't a leisure activity supposed to be, well, leisurely?

Enter Netflix, which has downright revolutionized the way we watch recorded media in Casa de Louie. It's no wonder the video stores are closing all around town; having something come to you is much easier than going to get it. Laziness is the basic engine of innovation.

Even better is Netflix's library of streamable movies made available to us through our Wii and wireless Internet connection. In fact, we probably watch more movies that way than we do on DVD, which is an inherently flawed medium, let's be honest, and one ill-suited for the "gentle" handling of the U.S. Postal Service. Of course, the on-demand offerings are slim (but growing), so we still rely upon The Little Red Envelop quite a bit.

Lest you think my praise too effusive, let me get to the point of this roundabout introduction: Netflix's descriptions are sometimes incorrect or entirely miss the point of what the movie was about. Often, these blurbs meander on and on about pointless, minor details or gloss over the most important aspects of a film. Sometimes, the blurbs are only kind of wrong, and other times, they are hilariously off-base.

I really wonder who writes these descriptions and if they are required to have actually seen the film. My guess would be that they are written by a third-party or are rewritten from other sources like IMDB. However they are generated, I find this phenomenon to be out of place in what is otherwise a fine service.

As such, I have taken it upon myself to faithfully record the more egregious examples and rewrite them to make more sense, at least as I see it. Don't ask me why I would do something so pointless. It's in my nature, I guess. Anyway, I will be posting these examples sporadically and as I see fit. I have created a label for this purpose and will prefix my examples with "Blurbs Gone Wrong: ..." Feel free to submit your own examples in the comments, but be warned: doing so will make you just as AR as me :)